Ryan Dowler Presents The ESTeen Youngerblog: Wisdom on Life, Love, and the Theatre from My Junior High Diary

Part Seven: On Saying Goodbye

The Final Chapter - a short story - in which the 13-year-old me imagines what it will be like to be the 17-year-old me. 

I found my junior high diary.

This is what's in it:

3.17.96

The dim porch light seems to dare me as it flickers in the moonlight. I look at your legs, then to your side, removing the hair from my eyes. I glance at your eyes, looking back at me, and then at your red lips. Your bottom lip presses against your top lip. Just then you grab my left hand gently, holding it firmly. I advance, gently touching your lower back, as I kiss you slowly.

The porch light goes out but I don’t notice, and you don’t either. I know you don’t. For that moment, that kiss, you become a part of me.

Just then your brother pulls up in his red 1978 Chevy Convertible. We both pull away as he slams his keys down on the dash. You whisper, “goodnight,” with a smile as I walk away. I tip my derby-style hat at your brother. He naturally flips me off. I can distinctly smell a mixture of strong perfume and liquor on him. I make no response. I don’t know why he despises me so much; maybe it’s because he’s 18 and I’m 17 or maybe it’s just because I’m in love with his younger sister. I don’t really know; nor do I care.

I look forward trying to seem cool as I walk down the long driveway to my car. I step into a foot deep puddle of mud, water and probably used motor oil.

“Dammit, my good black loafers,” I think to myself. “Oh my God, my khakis are soaked to my knee.”

I step into my car pretending not to notice.

The author attempts to attract girls in his best outfit:

Ryan Dowler Presents The ESTeen Youngerblog: Wisdom on Life, Love, and the Theatre from My Junior High Diary

Part Six: On Male Bonding

I found my junior high diary.

This is what's in it:

5-23-96

Me, Robby, Jay, Joe, and Brad went to the Mall again and then went to see Mission Impossible. We all wore funny hats: Brad wore a Cat-and-the-Hat hat, Jay wore a black and white Cat-in-the-Hat hat (shorter), Robby wore my jester hat, and I wore my Blue hat. Joe wore a normal hat. We forgot to warn him in advance.

Ryan Dowler Presents The ESTeen Youngerblog: Wisdom on Life, Love, and the Theatre from My Junior High Diary

Part Five: On Keeping A Positive Attitude

I found my Junior High diary.

This is what's in it:

2-2-96

Me and Theo Henry started a Jazz band, “The Luckyspoon Jazz Band.” Cool, huh?! Theo wrote the first piece himself. Here are our members –

Trumpet – Ryan D.

Trumpet – Theo H.

Trumpet – Jared B.

Trombone – Theo H.

Trombone – Brady M.

Piano – Robby A.

Sax – Sara J.

Those are the only definite members. I feel really happy/confident about this band. I really hope it will work.

2-3-96

I really wanna write a song! I wanna write a million songs. And I can. I mean lyrics, tunes, everything . . . and I will. No joke. I’m gonna write some songs! ! !

2-15-96

Theo is working on the first WEEZER song, changing it to instrumental. I can’t wait.

3-16-96

Me and Theo are both working on maybe our best song yet for the band, 6Naked. The secret behind the song is that it’s about the “Blossom” character Six. There are NO lyrics. There is an instrumental solo for each major part of the body: the legs, hips, stomach, chest, neck, lips, eyes, and hair. The legs and neck are the same percussion part. Don’t take us for perverts. It’s only a song about beauty. The foremost symbol of beauty – the woman. I hope it will come out as beautifully as I hope/expect.

3-7-96

The band is taking off slowly. Very slowly. Very very slowly. Theo’s working on the Trumpet 1 part on “Buddy Holly”, Robby’s working on the piano part for “Untitled”, Shaun hasn’t gotten his drum set, Brad Davis doesn’t know if he can join. Theo’s working on the wrong songs. We need to be working on Lump, 1 . . 2 . . 3 . . 4, and Kitty. Faster, we need to work FASTER. Theo needs a more positive attitude.

Ryan Dowler Presents The ESTeen Youngerblog: Wisdom on Life, Love, and the Theatre from My Junior High Diary

Part Four: On Religion

With The Gratifications opening this Wednesday as part of the EST/Youngblood Unfiltered Series, I'm not exactly sure to whom I should be praying. I wasn't always so unsure:

I found my Junior High diary.

This is what's in it:

1-17-96

I think the word GOD is too common and too overrated, so from now on I will refer to GOD as KURT. It makes communication more equal/personal. No, I'm not saying that Kurt Cobain is GOD. That is SO far from what I'm saying. So from now on when I address KURT in my journal, I'm referring to GOD.

KURT, please help me to have more faith. Please help me with the girl thing, do I like Anne, do I like Amber, I think maybe both. I think I'll send off signals to both AND Megan and see what I come up with. Thanks for listening!

Ryan Dowler Presents The ESTeen Youngerblog: Wisdom on Life, Love, and the Theatre from My Junior High Diary

Part Three: On New York City

I found my Junior High diary.

This is what's in it:

2-20-96

On Spring Break my Mom and Sister are going to New York City. If I got to go, then I'd go to the Theater or the Opera , go shopping, and go to the Hard Rock Cafe and all the other famous/expensive/elegant restaurants.

Ryan Dowler Presents The ESTeen Youngerblog: Wisdom on Life, Love, and the Theatre from My Junior High Diary

Part Two: On Being The Best And Still Not Succeeding

I found my Junior High diary.

This is what's in it:

1-17-96

Here's a story about a boy named Ryan and the game he loved.

In May of Nineteen Hundred and Ninety-Four, Ryan Dowler opened his last present. It was the 18th, his 12th birthday. He wasn't surprised, he had been anticipating and expecting this final gift.

But when he opened this gift, he opened the game of basketball. He opened an escape from his problems, a getaway from the modern world. He had opened his cherished dreams. His finest memoirs. From this day on, two sounds kept him going, "Bam, Swish," like the tick of a clock. Off the backboard and through the net. The backboard was the key to Ryan's game. Well, that and his growing ["fury to win" is crossed out] enthusiasium in the game.

He attended two basketball camps that summer. That combined with watching his favorite superstars battle it out on the courts of the NBA, Ryan learned and later perfected strategic basketball. Ryan never played to win, excluding those occasional friendly bets, he played to play. Ryan wasn't one for aggressive play, but he could block.

He played and played, "Bam, Swish", "Bam, Swish," until the glorious day came. 7th Grade B-ball tryouts.

Ryan showed up ready for basketball.

But his schoolmates weren't playing basketball.

They were playing "who-can-grab-the-ball-first-under-any-circumstances-and-throw-it-toward-the-goal-the-fastest." Surrounded in a whirlpool of fouling and illegal procedure, he stands there confused. These cheating slackers were stealing away his game. They were stealing away his basketball. Yes, basketball was his. He and every other honest player are the one's who own the game. By stealing his game, they were stealing his confidence, his hopes, his dreams.

That day Ryan went home, but today he didn't lace up, he didn't escape or get away. He sat down, turned on the television and sulked in his problems. He didn't watch a basketball game that night. In his eyes it was the game that had betrayed him.

The End. Goodnight.

Ryan Dowler Presents The ESTeen Youngerblog: Wisdom on Life, Love, and the Theatre from My Junior High Diary

Part One: On Making The First Move

I found my Junior High diary.

This is what's in it:

4-4-96

Guess what? Theo told me last week that Katie H. (who I like) likes me! He said she has a boyfriend named Jesse. But she, I actually have a chance at. This is GREAT! ! ! ! I'm pretty tired.

4-7-96

I can't wait to see Katie tommorro. I don't know if I should talk to her or smile at her or what? We always pass each other in the hall or see each other in the cafeteria and we catch each other looking at each other, but we don't smile, we don't frown, but we don't smile. I should smile, but it's like I'm caught in a daze and I can't smile or make any reaction. Tommorro I'm going to smile. I'm going to do it!

4-8-96

I didn't see Katie today. Well, I saw her but our eyes didn't meet. My life is very HAPPY right now. I feel like I have a chance with Katie, but I don't need anyone. Just cause I'm not dating anyone doesn't mean that I'm not good looking. I mean I'm not bragging but 3 or 4 people like me right now and I have self-confidence. LL COOL J SUCKS! ! !

4-17-96

Theo told Katie to talk to me but she said she didn't know what to say and that she wants me to talk to her. Tommorro is my last chance to talk to her (before the dance). I better not get nervous like last time. When I heard Theo telling her to talk to me I got scared and ran into the bathroom. I really wish we could go out. That would rule! ! ! !

4-19-96

The dance was great! ! ! The headbanging was awesome, as usual! ! ! ! It ROCKED! The last dance I asked Katie if she wanted to dance. She said no. I'm kidding! ! ! ! She said "sure" and we started dancing (slow song). She had her arms around me and I felt so comfortable. She said "Your hands are hot" and I said "Yeah." And then she was talking to her friend who was standing right there. Then later I said "I was at the Toadies concert" actually referring to the "hot hands" comment but it was too late for her to realize the connection.