Enter the Schatzman!

Meet Matt Schatz.
Playwright, songwriter, trained assassin.
Okay, maybe not a trained assassin. Maybe just a junior league amateur assassin.
Either way, don't fuck with him - he'll kill you.
Yeah, seriously.
Anyway, here's some shit on the Schatz:


What's the shittiest play you've ever written?
I entered a contest about two years ago held by the Walnut Street Theatre in Philadelphia to write a play about the 19th century actor Edwin Forrest. I called the play "Hiss" which is actually almost an anagram of "Shit." Almost.

Regardless of its shittiness, what still makes this play completely awesome?
I never got a letter from them. I found out I'd not won by reading of the wining entry in the newspaper. I was pissed. Here I'd spent like a month on this shitty play, done research, paid a fee to enter; I figured I was at least owed a letter.

So I wrote them an email. They replied and thanked me for submitting the play and wished me luck on finding a home for it. I wrote back saying, "There is no home for the play, it's useless to me. I'd just as soon burn it."

A few days later I got a nice letter from them explaining how much they liked my play and how they hoped I don't burn it. That was was nice of them.

What was the question again?

So you're a songwriter, huh? If Youngblood had a themesong, what would be the chorus?
Youngblood is a lively little troupe
Though maybe a depraved and dirty one
And it's the only "under-thirty" playwright's group
With a median age of about thirty-one
(The chords for that are as follows: G, C, G, C, G, Em, C, C)

What genre of music would the "Youngblood themesong" be catergorized?
Klezmer.

Would the Youngblood themesong be something a person would want to be playing in the background as they were making sweet love? If not, why didn' t you write a better song?
No one would want to make sweet love to it. I write what I know.

If you and all the new members of Youngblood (Britt, Michael, Emily, Justin, Jihan, and yourself) were stranded out at sea and you ended up having to slay one and eat them, who would it be and why?
I'd slay Michael and Justin with plans to populate the island with Britt, Emily and Jihan.
Once the girls get wind of my plans, I'm sure they'll slay and eat me. It probably would be for the best.

Speaking of eats, what's your feelings on Arby's roast beef sandwiches?
I like them fine. I like fast food. I have horrible eating habits. Can you pick one up for me?

If Graeme and RJ were to get into a fist fight and both were to turn to you and say "Yo, get my back", which one would you end up punching?
I guess I'd punch RJ. I don't care for either one of them to be honest.

And, of course, any plays, performances, gigs coming up that the public should know about? And why should they show up?
My Sloan commission "The Tallest Building in the World" is scheduled to have a spring workshop as part of the "First Light Festival." I'm still working on the play. Either it will be the best Sloan play ever written or I'll have to change my answer for question 1. Either way, I hope to see you there!

- Matt Schatz as interviewed by Qui Nguyen, 11/2006