Monday, October 18, 2010
Unbelievably Great The Theater-Related Halloween Costumes
If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that Halloween happens every year! And usually in October, which is now. Have you picked out a costume yet? DEAR GOD YOU SERIOUSLY HAVEN'T? Ohhhhh, this is bad. This is really, really bad. I mean, you've got to figure it out, and you've got to figure it out now, right? But what costume will truly demonstrate to your loved ones/crush objects that you are a creative, sexy, fun-loving individual who possesses an unwavering, foolish love of THE THEATER? WHAT. COSTUME. WILL DO THIS.
It's okay. I'm here to help.
TOP FOUR AMAZING IDEAS FOR THE THEATER-RELATED COSTUMES
1. A REVIVAL. Dress in recent vintage, get a rich date, and act defensive all the time. Be prepared to hang out with a movie star who you liked a little bit when you were 12 but now find vaguely suspicious.*
2. THE FIRST PLAY EVERYONE EVER WROTE. A great choice for someone who wants to keep the "creepy" in Hallocreepyween. First, dress yourself in the scent of cheap beer and sophomore year all-nighters. Sprinkle a'top your head the magic fairy dust of not yet having your heart truly broken, but being fairly confident you can fake it. For the first half of the night, speak like a David Mamet character. For the second half of the night, speak like a David Mamet character who's realized he doesn't know as many swear words as he originally thought and how is this supposed to stay fresh ugggggggggh writing is haaaaard. PS this costume works best if you can get a friend to dress up as a prostitute. All night, offer her cigarettes while delivering lengthy monologues in her direction. Under no circumstances should you let her speak, think, or feel.
3. SHAKESPEARE. Did you know that no one knows anything about Shakespeare? This is true. You can look this up. All biographies of Shakespeare are written in the conditional, and all of his "plays" are written in a language that even our finest modern translators and cryptologists have not yet cracked. Some scholars believe that Shakespeare invented polio, while others believe that he hasn't even been born yet. Tough luck for people who like a concrete truth, but a real opportunity for the last-minute costumee. My recommendation: throw on a dinosaur costume, put a doily around your neck, and yell "AVAST YE THRICE WTICHES!" all night. Who's gonna know the difference? NO ONE.
4. SEXY YOUNGBLOOD BRUNCH. For the cutting-edge among you! Put on your tiniest pair of pancakes, your itty-bittiest bacon (for vegetarians: muffins will do), and your mostest charming (but lowest-cut!) production values. Write an amazing play that lazily, heavily-liddedly caresses a theme. At the party, turn off your cellular telephone, acknowledge the fire exits, and get drunk immediately.
So there you have it, four amazing ideas for four amazing theater-related costumes for your amazing theater-related life. If you have any other amazing ideas for theater-related costumes, please put them in the comments! If you don't, I am sad for you.
With fun-sized love,
* This idea was nominated for October's "Cheap Shot of the Blog" Award! It didn't win, though. Sucks.