by Eric Dufault
It’s the twilight of the 20th century and
telemarketing legend Duke Fortunato has one chance to save the job he loves
from total extinction.
In this book: 120 interviews with 120 employees about 120
different jobs.
Which one is the most interesting? The most hilarious? The
most heartbreaking? Not the homicide detective. Not the funeral director. Not
the psychic or the bounty hunter or the Elvis impersonator.
It’s the telemarketer. Far and away. The telemarketer.
This play is an ode to the telemarketer. It’s also my
attempt at a horror play, even though I get scared very easily and don’t
usually like it.
Come to the reading. Paired up with the incandescent Chiara
Atik’s play. Wednesday, 5/16, 9 pm, EST (Ensemble
Studio Theatre). With a star-studded cast including Denny Bess as The Last Great Telemarketer.
To commemorate, I thought I’d dip into “1001 Pranks to Play
on Telemarketers” from “prank-ideas.blogspot.com”. These aren’t edited or
anything. They kind of give me the happy melancholy sensation I get when I see,
like, an elderly man walking a dog early in the morning? It’s hard to explain.
If you have any more ideas you can submit them to jacksparrow52@gmail.com. I hope he
(or she!) doesn’t read this and get upset with me. I’m not mocking you, Jack
Sparrow!
1. When
they call, act like your interested for 5 minutes and then scream at the top of
your lungs
2. Any
time they try to talk to you clear your throat as if *you* want to say
something
3. Ask
them to repeat everything they say, several times.
4. Try to
order a pizza.
5. Bark
like a dog whenever they use the word "the."
6. THROW
UP - For this one, you have to be near a sink
7. Try to
fit the word "cornucopia" into every sentence you say
8. When
they tell you how they are, confirm it then tell them your holding their kid
hostage.
9.
Whenever they finish a sentence say "and then what happened?"
10.
Whenever they say something, pretend they've just told you the funniest joke in
history.
11. Call
them "Champ" or "Tiger.". Refer to yourself as
"Coach."
12.
Disagree strongly with anything they say
13. Begin
all your sentences with "Ohh la la!"
14. Every
time they say something to you ask, 'Is that a threat?'
15. Make
snoring sounds whenever they try to talk to you.
16.
Pretend your drunk.
17.
talklikethis
18. Ask
them for dates.
19. Tell
them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
There are seriously 1,001 of these.
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