Monday, May 07, 2012

by Eric Dufault
It’s the twilight of the 20th century and telemarketing legend Duke Fortunato has one chance to save the job he loves from total extinction.

In this book: 120 interviews with 120 employees about 120 different jobs.

Which one is the most interesting? The most hilarious? The most heartbreaking? Not the homicide detective. Not the funeral director. Not the psychic or the bounty hunter or the Elvis impersonator.

It’s the telemarketer. Far and away. The telemarketer.

This play is an ode to the telemarketer. It’s also my attempt at a horror play, even though I get scared very easily and don’t usually like it.

Come to the reading. Paired up with the incandescent Chiara Atik’s play. Wednesday, 5/16, 9 pm, EST (Ensemble Studio Theatre). With a star-studded cast including Denny Bess as The Last Great Telemarketer.

To commemorate, I thought I’d dip into “1001 Pranks to Play on Telemarketers” from “”. These aren’t edited or anything. They kind of give me the happy melancholy sensation I get when I see, like, an elderly man walking a dog early in the morning? It’s hard to explain.

If you have any more ideas you can submit them to I hope he (or she!) doesn’t read this and get upset with me. I’m not mocking you, Jack Sparrow!

1. When they call, act like your interested for 5 minutes and then scream at the top of your lungs

2. Any time they try to talk to you clear your throat as if *you* want to say something

3. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

4. Try to order a pizza.

5. Bark like a dog whenever they use the word "the."

6. THROW UP - For this one, you have to be near a sink

7. Try to fit the word "cornucopia" into every sentence you say

8. When they tell you how they are, confirm it then tell them your holding their kid hostage.

9. Whenever they finish a sentence say "and then what happened?"

10. Whenever they say something, pretend they've just told you the funniest joke in history.

11. Call them "Champ" or "Tiger.". Refer to yourself as "Coach."

12. Disagree strongly with anything they say

13. Begin all your sentences with "Ohh la la!"

14. Every time they say something to you ask, 'Is that a threat?'

15. Make snoring sounds whenever they try to talk to you.

16. Pretend your drunk.

17. talklikethis

18. Ask them for dates.

19. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

There are seriously 1,001 of these.

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