Friday, April 15, 2011

John Boehner, You Wear Some Silly Ass Ties, Bro

Hey, John Boehner. What's up. You just negotiated your first big budget deal as Speaker of the House. How's it feel?

Not so good, huh? All the Republy's are mad at you for not cutting spending enough. Democrats, well they never liked you to begin with. You're between a rock and a hard place, whatever that means.

But don't worry. At least you have all those really colorful, fruity, dumb ties.

What's up with those, anyway? Dude, you got like, all the neon colors of the rainbow. One for every day of the week. It's hard to do a Google Image search of you and find you wearing a normal, solid colored tie. In fact, I don't think you own one.

I don't know where your skin ends, and tie begins.

But I admire that. Most men, especially politicians, don't have the inner courage to show their true colors. But you, you oddly tanned Ohio Elephant, you got fuckin', bright ass orange, and teal, and purple, and shit dude, even pink. PINK. Most men shy away from that color, and you would think especially being the face of conservative values you would too, but nuh uh. You're all like, Hey, we passed the biggest budget cuts in history and we tried super hard to defund Planned Parenthood and the EPA and I'm motherfuckin' BAZOOKA JOE.


Even when you were sworn in as Speaker, you wore that silver blue shiny space tie.


That's cool. I'm into it. What most people don't know about you, is you're a real party guy. You chain smoke mad cigs. On the golf course, all day, Puff the Magic Speaker of the House over here. Tobacco deregulation like whoa. You also throw extravagant, DC parties where everyone gets together and sips champagne and flirts with executives of major corporations. Maybe that's when everyone wears their dumb ties. Ps. Thanks for inviting me, dick. JK LOL. Luv u. NOT.

Anyway, you grew up in business, famously sweeping the floor of your father's bar. What I suspect though, is this wasn't your average Ohio blue collar bar. It was the kind where disco of another era never died. Where a boy can be a boy. A man can sit and have a conversation with another man. Where you can wear a really dumb fucking tie.

You're gonna have big battles ahead. Gonna have to try and get those Tea Partiers to try and raise the debt ceiling so the country doesn't default on our debt for the first time in history. Good luck with that LOL. That sucks. I wish you luck. I really do. You're a hell of a lot more fun then Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. That bro is like a shitty turtle Muppet. Got left over from the Labyrinth set or somethin'.

People talk a lot about you crying. You're an emotional dude. "Emo" some would say. Maybe you look at the sunset and write in your journal about how unfair it would be if the Bush tax cuts expired and the richest people in the country got taxed more. I KNOW THAT MAKES NO SENSE AND IS SO STUPID!!!

But whatev. Maybe you need to relieve some stress though. Maybe Barney Frank could help.

I'm sure you'll figure it out though, bro. You'll wear a really fucking stupid tie.

If you enjoyed this, you can find other political musings at Tick Tock with Chris Sullivan and follow my ass on twitter @ticktockwcs


joshcon80 said...

Gay dudes have better taste than these ties. You'd NEVER catch Barney Frank in that silver space tie.

We are tasteful people, Chris. tasteful people.

I want Boehner's childhood job.

Christopher Sullivan said...

This is true. Barney should take John shopping.

Also, Barney Frank tried to punch Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson during the financial crisis. <3 him.