The Great Brooklyn Taco Tour

Months ago, Eric March and Anna Moench had a brief conversation about how many taco places there were on 5th Avenue in Brooklyn, which led to a pact, as brief conversations often do. The mission: to find the best taco place on 5th Ave. And 4th Ave too. And then to make dessert nachos after eating tacos all day, because gluttony isn’t gluttony unless it goes too far.

Last weekend we finally did it. This is our story. It has little to do with plays, but a lot to do with two playwrights and even more to do with tacos.

Methodology

We visited five taquerias over the course of five hours and ranked each of them on a ten-point scale in four categories -- presentation, flavor blend, spice level, and "mmmm." We also established a supplemental "Mexican Coke" category, where we ranked the restaurants on a scale of "Mexcian Coke!" to "No Mexican Coke :-(," based on whether or not they had Mexican Coke. We tried to keep our orders as consistent as possible -- the plan was to order a chorizo taco and a fish taco at every stop -- but that turned out to be difficult to implement, as it turns out that fish tacos are a California, and not a Mexico thing. So the fish taco, essentially, became a wild card taco, usually something kind of like fish. Like shrimp. Or vegetables.

Oaxaca Taqueria
4th Avenue between President St. and Carroll St.

Cute little place on 4th Ave. Probably the most taqueria-y taqueria we went to, as far as ambiance goes, complete with walk-up-and-order counter, cardboard trays and lonely white man sitting at the taco bar, brooding over his midday tacos. We the five minutes before our tacos arrived developing our rating system, which felt a little douchey, especially once the other guy left, leaving us alone in the restaurant with just the employees. It sort of reminded Moench of the restaurant where she used to work, where there was a picture of Frank Bruni hanging in the back that the staff was expected to memorize. Suffice it to say, we both felt like pictures of Frank Bruni at that moment.

The tacos were pretty damn good (though in hindsight, it's possible they seemed more delicious than they were because we were really hungry). The veggie taco was awesome because of the prominent inclusion of avocado, though it could have used a little more kick to make the other veggies stand out. The chorizo was the crumbly variety, which Moench enjoys, but March prefers the sausage-like chorizo. This is an interesting distinction between March and Moench.

As we were leaving, March noticed a familiar-looking glass bottle in the beverage cooler. Could it be Mexican Coke -- the kind made with real sugar and not corn syrup and way better than regular Coke? Alas, no! The bottle was filled with the fake stuff gussied up to look like Mexican Coke. Nice try, Oaxaca. Study our faces for next time!

VEGGIE TACO
Presentation: 8
Flavor Blend: 6
Spicy: 0
Mmmm: 7

CHORIZO TACO
Presentation: 8
Flavor Blend: 7
Spicy: 3
Mmmm: 6

MEXICAN COKE???: FAKE MEXICAN COKE!

Mezcal
5th Ave. at President St.

Oh, Mezcal. The folly of the day. It’s really remarkable how much worse it was than any of the other contenders*, and also how much more expensive. We couldn’t get just tacos, we had to get the taco plate, which comes with three tacos alongside rice and refried beans, and the tacos only come in two varieties: chicken and beef. We asked for 2 chicken tacos and 1 beef taco, to get the big picture, and we specified soft tacos, because all the other places have soft tacos. This is a Scientific Study, and tortillas are not a variable here, people. Well, we got hard tacos -- all chicken -- and Moench unceremoniously sent them back before the plate even touched the table (first time in her life ever sending anything back). The soft tacos looked weirdly like enchiladas, all rolled up with sauce on top, and the rice and beans were less than remarkable. When the bill came, it blew away in the wind, and when we paid, somehow the money fell in the taco sauce. And when we got up to leave, one of us (who shall remain nameless) knocked over a chair. In sum: total disaster. Safe to say, the worst thing that's ever happened to either of us. I wish we’d had a camera.

*Including the shuttered taco truck (see below), because at least it was on our way and at least it didn’t cost us anything to visit.

CHICKEN TACO
Presentation: 2
Flavor Blend: 2
Spicy: 0
Mmmm: 2

OTHER CHICKEN TACO
Presentation: 2
Flavor Blend: 2
Spicy: 0
Mmmm: 2

MEXICAN COKE???: COSMICALLY OPPOSITE MEXICAN COKE

LOST CAT!
Degraw St. between 4th Ave. and 5th Ave.

Wishing we'd had a better way to document the carnage at Mezcal, we decided to run back to March's apartment to retrieve his camera. We were about to pack it up and leave, when March noticed that his roommate's cat was nowhere to be found. We searched the apartment high and low for 15 minutes with no success, ultimately deciding to try our luck under the various cars parked along the street -- where the cat also wasn't. We asked a friendly neighbor, who asked a lot of questions to try and discern if our lost cat was his cat. It wasn't. WHERE WAS THE GODDAMN CAT?

Well, as it turns out...

THE CAT WAS IN THE APARTMENT THE WHOLE TIME.



You suck, cat.

Presentation: 0
Flavor Blend: Basically gave us a heart attack
Spicy: 4
Mmmm: You're lucky you're cute

OKAY, BACK TO TACOS

Nuevo Mexico
5th Ave. between 11th St. and 12th St.



This was March's favorite prior to the tour, but since had, until today, never really had another taco in the neighborhood, he wasn't sure if his warm feelings for it had to do with the actual tacos themselves or:

1) The restaurant's proximity to his first apartment in New York
2) The "eclectic" jukebox that alternated between hair metal and treacly, Latin love ballads
3) The Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay poster that remained up for at least a year after the movie had opened and closed.

Both, as it turns out, but in the best way! The tacos here are a little expensive compared to the offerings farther south, but the deliciousness is solid. March’s favorite chorizo is here in all its sausagey glory. The shrimp tacos are great, the shrimp is chopped up into manageable chunks and browned for added flavor. There was good reading material near the register and the music was indeed soulful.

SHRIMP TACO
Presentation: N/A -- Takeout
Flavor Blend: 8
Spicy: 1
Mmmm: 8

CHORIZO TACO
Presentation: N/A -- Takeout
Flavor Blend: 8
Spicy: 1
Mmmm: 8.5

MEXICAN COKE???: NO MEXICAN COKE :-(

Taco Truck
4th Ave. and 37th St.

We walked through Green-Wood Cemetary to get to Sunset Park in an attempt to digest the numerous tacos we’d already consumed. Neither of us had been inside before, turns out it’s beautiful! And very crowded on a nice autumnal Saturday afternoon. A kindly groundskeeper directed us to the 4th Avenue exit, which put us exactly where we wanted to be: at the Taco Truck. It seemed as though everything was coming up tacos. Until…



Sadness.

Tacos 2004
Location Unknown



What the heck is the deal with Tacos 2004? There were multiple neon signs that said “OPEN” in the windows, and the door was unlocked. We went in, desirous of tacos, and we asked for tacos. The woman at the stove kept asking “Que quieren?” and the man at the counter kept telling us to go away. So we went away. Queremos tacos, senora! Por que no tacos??

Xochimilco
5th Ave. and 45th St.



Yes! This place was the real deal. We waited a very long time, which gave us the opportunity to observe all the other dishes as they came out of the kitchen. All looked incredible, and we definitely plan to return to try some of them. Best of all, we FINALLY got to drink a Mexican coke while we waited, and determined that yes, it really does taste better.

The tacos from Xochimilco were really good. Really good. They definitely seemed more “authentic” than Nuevo Mexico, and by “authentic” we mean simpler. No flashy ingredients, nothing fancy happening with the flavors or seasonings, just solid, simple, delicious tacos. Perfect level of grease oozing from the filling. The restaurant itself was fun, and the staff seemed cool with the guy sitting at a table with his empty plate, reading a book for a while. It might be a fun place to do some writing if you’re looking for a café alternative.

SHRIMP TACO
Presentation: N/A -- Takeout
Flavor Blend: 7
Spicy: 0
Mmmm: 7

CHORIZO TACO
Presentation: N/A -- Takeout
Flavor Blend: 7
Spicy: 3
Mmmm: 7.5

MEXICAN COKE???: MEXICAN COKE!
Tacos Matamoros
5th Ave. and 45th St.



Walking into Matamoros, we were convinced that our trip was about to take another turn for the disaster. It looked -- and there's no other way to say this -- like the vinyard-that-Paul-Giamatti-and-Thomas-Hayden-Church-go-to-at-the-end-of-Sideways of tacos. Mariachi on the jukebox. Lots of red and green bunting. Our hopes were not high.

Well, turns out we were suckers. Matamoras was the definitive champion, which we both determined right away, despite having already consumed about 6 tacos each, plus the random Mezcals add-ons, before we got there. The tacos were as straightforward and tasty as Xochimilco while also doing some pretty rad flavor blending action a la Nuevo Mexico. They were simple and not at all fussy, but exciting and delicious. The chorizo was the crumbly kind and they had fried it a bit so it was slightly crispy. The pastor (billed as “spicy” – it was not spicy) was at the ideal grease level. Definitely worth the trip to Sunset Park.



Also, Sunset Park is worth the trip to Sunset Park. We were a little early for the famed sunset, but the westerly view of Manhattan is easy on the eyes.



SPICY PORK TACO
Presentation: N/A -- Takeout
Flavor Blend: 9
Spicy: 2
Mmmm: 9

CHORIZO TACO
Presentation: N/A -- Takeout
Flavor Blend: 9
Spicy: 2
Mmmm: 9

MEXICAN COKE???: PROBABLY MEXICAN COKE. BUT WE FORGOT TO CHECK

Dessert Nachos
Prospect Ave. between 6th Ave. and 7th Ave.

Oh God. Just, oh God.

Look at them:



For fuck's sake look at them:



We MADE that! And then we ate it.

Holy shit.

If you want definitive proof that this is the best universe of all the universes, it is right here.

DESSERT NACHOS

Presentation: YES!
Flavor Blend: 1,000,000
Spicy: Marshmallows
Mmmm: Infinity

Conclusions

- Tacos are good
- Some tacos are better than others
- Tacos Matamoros is the best place to get tacos in Brooklyn, out of the five places we tried
- Nothing beats dessert. Nothing ever.

- Anna Moench and Eric March, Scientists